Everything I need to know I learned from the emerging church*

1. The world would be a much better place if we would all just sit down and have a conversation.
2. Controversy is the key to publicity.
3. Im saved, but its no big deal.
4. Its totally (un)cool to (not) use parentheses.
5. I blog, therefore I am.
6. Any form of criticism is probably just a big misunderstanding.
7. Whatever Brian McLaren says, goes.
8. Using big words is a really easy way to win theological arguments. E.g., Au contraire, I believe using a deconstructive hermeneutic is far superior, in light of the postmodern tendency to reject the metanarrative.
9. If you have a problem, its probably theological.
10. Dont judge a book by its cover; judge it by its endorsements.
11. If its written in red, its more important.
12. Its not the size of the church that counts, its how you use it.
13. Swearing and drinking are acceptable, even encouraged.
14. Worship music is shitty (See #13).
15. When in doubt, deconstruct.
16. Using Latin words and phrases in place of English ones not only sounds more authoritative, it totally ups your street cred.
17. If all else fails, hold a conference/convention.
18. Tradition is overrated.
19. Mi casa, su church.
20. Everything Must Change.

What are your satirical learnings from the emerging church?

*Disclaimer: Although I hope it is obvious, I should mention that this post is satirical in nature and doesnt actually reflect my views of the emerging church conversation. You can get a good idea of what I really think by reading a paper I wrote called Toward A Postmodern Youth Ministry: An Examination of Postmodern Youth Culture in Conversation with the Emerging Church, published online at Precipice Magazine in May 2007.


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Comments

Maybe you could ask others to list their satirical learnings :-)

21. Live in the suburbs; plant a church in the city.

Good idea, Jason Ive updated the post.

22. what you lack in character make up for in gotee length, being careful not to dip it into your coffee or all the lit candles.

23. Jealousy is the heart of angst and angst is the fuel for innovation.

24. If you want to see the coolest shoes, go to an emergent event.

Nice. Keep em coming!

25. Wisdom is bestowed upon the wearer of black-rimmed glasses.

* Love the post and the humor

VERY NICE. sorry it took me so long to respond. ive been swamped today. nice list though.

btw, im reading what is the what as well.

Shawn: I laughed when I read that it made me think of Rob Bell immediately. I should admit that Ive been eying (haha) some new black-rimmed glasses as well.

Josh: Thanks. How do you like What is the What? I LOVE Dave Eggers.

Wow. That made me laugh outloud ( i am, historically, a silent laugher). With your permission, id like to use the original, canonized list of 20 on my site. Ive been looking for an approach to explain to all my fundy friends why EC might be a good thing after all- and your list would give me a launching pad for that, uh, conversation.

26. Beer, coffee, meeting facilities and clothes are better the darker they are. Convictions, dogmatics and personal electronic devices should be light.

Its not about a scale from right to left, its about a 3D environment with a cloud probably of meanings. Oh and it changes over time!

Authorial intent only goes for pharmacists.

My Tribe could beat up your tribe if we were just motivated enoughoh yeah, and were pacifists.

Good coffee is essential for Salvation

U2 are right up there

I have to have a Mac.and possibly an iPhone

J ;-)

I had a few good laughs on this list. Johnny Laird, I might have to agree that good coffee is essential for salvation! No one really expects God to forget the coffee at the marriage supper of the Lamb, right?!

THIS IS BRILLIANT!!!

27. Jesus is happier if the pastor just says, Shit, I dont know.

Ah, yes. We now have a couple of lessons about electronics and Macs. Something I totally forgot to put on the list.

Johnny: Good call with the coffee and U2. Reminds me of a new song by the Robbie Seay Band that says If youre like me, you need hope, coffee, and melody. Emergent manifesto?

28. If you cant drop big words like pennies in a parking lot, dont bother. (or should it say if the phenomenological construct of the discourse that you cause to become extant within your own contextualized perspective cannot display a flagrant disregard for clarity in a manner congruent with the thesis that the physical representations of wealth have no intrinsic value and ought to be cast aside)

29. Truth (as in truth claim) is a four letter word.

30. Pilgrimmages must include ale stops.

31. Making it into the, say, top 30 on Jake Boumas list of Doh!

32. If asked a controversial question do not give a direct answer.
Answer with difficult sentence structure and ramble on and on. Use lots of big words and metaphor. The questioner will eventually become confused, feel mentally outbested and move on.

Rick Diamond offered: 7. Jesus is happier if the pastor just says, “Shit, I don’t know.”

One of the worlds leading Buddhist monks gave a lecture. He finished and while he was walking off stage, someone in the audience shouted out which is the greatest the head or the heart? The monk paused, looked contemplative, and then pounded once on his chest, to the delight of the crowd.

Backstage, some of his fellow monks asked him so the heart is greater than the mind? He replied I have no idea I just made something up. (true story)

The only stupid question is the one nobody asks.

The only stupid statements are assertions that nobody asks stupid questions, and all answers containing the word only, and this one.

I’m sorry that probably wasn’t emergent at all…

Then why did I go ahead and post it? I dunno…

We made your post our blog o the week!

Thanks for the laugh!

Phil: Pilgrimage + ale = perfection.

John L: Thanks for the parable improvisation and unpredictability sometimes speak louder than preparedness.

Sam: Haha! It made me laugh either way!

Daja Gana: Thanks! Im honored!

#100 Its much more responsible to gripe about mainline churches being too materialistic and not missional enough while sipping Starbucks.

Number 18 needs to be re-dacted:

Tradition is overrated if it started after the reformation. If it includes the use of candles, chanting, icons, or Latin it is currently undervalued in the evangelical ministirial/cultural industrial complex (see also 16).

Nice satire.

Now we just need to compile a real list.

Things like:
it is not about the dogma, it is all about Jesus
All are welcome. Always!
It is not about the worship it is about Kingdom living
Many voices are better than one.
Jesus teachings really are hard to live, but that is what we are called to do as Christians.
Our culture is teaching us the wrong things
etc

101. Hillsong and globalisation are comparable evils

102. Bono is both inerrant and infallible in all matters of faith

103. To be clothed in righteousness means always having to wear a black T-shirt

104. Its called preaching a sermon and its an irrelevant monologue when YOU do it but its Engaging the text and inviting a response when I do it.

105. Microsoft is a symptom of colonization by the enlightenment

106. Anything sounds more palatable with the word Liquid in the title

107. Logos ad names must reek of post-grunge ambiguity.

108. Hating Mark Driscoll is required
109. Loving Rob Bell is essential

Dont forget the emergent motivational posters: http://www.spurgeon.org/~phil/posters.htm

Hey! How about, If a one-handed Buddhist claps in the woods and no one hears him, did it make a sound?

Truly, being middle-of-the-road in most of my thinking, I like certain of the freshness that comes from this movement, esp. the shedding of legalism. But I still value liturgical form, whether done with classical or well-written (and theologically appropriate) contemporary.

Hi Jake,

Thanks for the note on my site. I like the post, and Im definitely seeing the overlap in thought!

Im also interested to read your article on the emerging church and youth ministryIm a youth minister myself and was just today discussing with a friend what youth ministry in the emerging ethos should look like. (Some of that vision made it onto our website today, which is http://fuzionstudents.blogspot.com). Unfortunately theres no time now to do so, because Ive got to prepare a delicious (thanksgiving leftover) dinner for my wife, who will soon arrive home from work.

God bless,

Tim

Exactly Tradition of the Non-Apostles started at the Reformation, and Protestantism has been stuck ever since. I think the traditions of the Reformation are in fact part of Gods judgement, as the very nature of Protestantism is hobbled by what it staunchly professes (sola scriptura) and therefore can never coalesce. Right so who gets to interpret the sola scriptura anyway? Thats the devil in that detail, is it not? So, sola scriptura must go. Protestantism simply deconstructs itself every so often that is its internal essence, right? So, the emerging church is a deconstruction, truthfully and in all honesty, of what can and rightly should be deconstructed. "That which can be shaken will be shaken" so that what cannot be shaken will remain. The unshakable, however, simply remains unshaken. And we should look to that rock for stability instead of glorying in the building of and deconstruction of Protestant sand-castles. That rock is in Rome, and is misunderstood or simply not recognized, especially from the outside. Rome, despite the best efforts of evil priests and Popes, still survives. If people inside it cant destroy, much less people from the outside. There is thread of truth in all things emerging that longs for Rome. Mystery, spirituality, lack of coercion, extremely diverse. If only people knew

Exactly Tradition of the Non-Apostles started at the Reformation, and Protestantism has been stuck ever since. I think the traditions of the Reformation are in fact part of Gods judgement, as the very nature of Protestantism is hobbled by what it staunchly professes (sola scriptura) and therefore can never coalesce. Right so who gets to interpret the sola scriptura anyway? Thats the devil in that detail, is it not? So, sola scriptura must go. Protestantism simply deconstructs itself every so often that is its internal essence, right? So, the emerging church is a deconstruction, truthfully and in all honesty, of what can and rightly should be deconstructed. "That which can be shaken will be shaken" so that what cannot be shaken will remain. The unshakable, however, simply remains unshaken. And we should look to that rock for stability instead of glorying in the building of and deconstruction of Protestant sand-castles. That rock is in Rome, and is misunderstood or simply not recognized, especially from the outside. Rome, despite the best efforts of evil priests and Popes, still survives. If people inside it cant destroy, much less people from the outside. There is thread of truth in all things emerging that longs for Rome. Mystery, spirituality, lack of coercion, extremely diverse. If only people knew

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